i get these brief moments where I smell, touch, hear, or think about a certian thing and it takes me back to a specific moment of my childhood that I have otherwise forgotten, which was most a lot of it. the other day I heard a sound and I went back to this warm breezy spring day taking a walk with my grandma and watching all the white puffy seeds flying around, hearing the birds, noticing how green everything was, I lived in this small town with a lot of old buildings and big beatiful trees. I also remembered blowing bubbles, my grandma had this box of all kinds of things to make bubbles with and a big tray for soap for dipping things in and i ran around the green spring yard in a little dress she got me trying to make the biggest bubbles i possibly could. She always loved having me over every weekend, and I would play with my toys that i had there, play outside all day, there was a park on the same block that i would take the dog to. I made lots of forts with blankets and tv stands and would try and get the dog to go in them with me. I loved exloring in the attic, all the old dolls and things, she has this really pretty old house that seemed so much bigger back then. I think about it now and realize i was really lucky, as boring as i thought her house could be, she always had time for me, and loved to cook food for me and play board games and such with me. we had these rituals, where we had popcorn and rootbeer floats whenever we watched a movie, I remember watching fantasia a lot. we also went to garage sales a lot which i loved cause she would buy me pretty much whatever i found and liked a lot. its so strange that theres all these years of stuff that happened that is just gone now. my life is completely different and i'm this different person and sometime i even wonder if half of these things even happened as I really remember them. I loved it when I was there and my cousins and aunt and uncle came from north carolina. they came about once a year, usually around christmas time and id always spend it there. i always shared the big bed with my cousin ashley who was a year older than me and really nice and fun. I sort of looked up to her and always wanted to get the same things she had or wear the same kind of clothes. their family seemed so different than mine, so much more loving and smart, I envied it. in fact, all of my aunts and uncles on that side, have these really great loving families. its really surreal the way they are, to this day. fairy-tale-ish.

I used to want to move in with them.

Ive always felt so out of place. ever since day one. I've always felt so seperate from everything and everyone..then on top of that I developed a mistrust for people. I grew up playing alone. and I was content with it. I did occasionally have one friend, but i dont remember much about any of them now. my best friend when i was 6, was this girl with brown hair that i was in the same class with. she was quiet like me, and nice. she lived downstairs from me. I didnt know it at the time, but my father was cheating on my mom with her mother, so randomly I was told I could not play with her anymore and they didnt tell me why. I dont remember how much it bothered me. i dont think much, i think i missed her a little though as she was probably the only little kid friend i had at that age, minus my cousin ashley.

sometimes i feel like i'm such a weird person. a lot of the time i just feel weird around most people and believe its them and not because of me though. I may not have the best social skills in the world but I at least listen. and I hate it when people cant do that. I usually dont like anyone thats a lot louder than me either. its weird, we all have our reasons for aour bad qualites, and I try to remember that, but no matter what sometimes i just cant be all that forgiving. like my mom for instance, i can tell why she acts the way she does by the way she grew up... but on the other hand my aunt grew up the same way and shes one of the most amazing people ever in my book. when i meet someone that reminds me of her, i immediately like them. her polite smile, her intelligence, her respect for others, her sense of humor she lets out if she knows you. she does have negative traits as well, but she means well. I notice that I immediately like people that are a lot like the people I looked up to growing up. my cousin, my aunt, and my unlce who both used to babysitt me after my father left. I'm a little like all of them in some way. even with that in mind i still dont think i'm anything like any of them and still feel out of place. I dont really know what it is and i guess i may never figure it out.

I also like people that are a little like myself, but dont often get close to them.

theres been people ive wanted to be close to but never was. maybe cause i can be so distant. this girl from highschool, I really liked... but I think i was just nervous? I didnt know her well enough, and I wrote her a note once telling her how i felt because my "best friend" at the time thought she was weird so i didnt want it to be obvious how i felt for some reason. so its relieving that theres these handfull of people that stand out in my head and I can honestly say that I loved them for who they were to me. more recently, I had a female friend in syracuse... the same thing. I stayed at her place a lot and we hung out every weekend, i met her friends, but i wasnt like her or any of her friends. we were very different... yet we had these similarities, we experinced a lot of the same stuff in the past, and we had a very similar sense of humor, and I really cared about her so much, but she stopped returning my phonecalls and we hung out less and less and now I never hear from her.. and I'm not sure that id even want to, cause shes just so busy with her life, which is so very different than mine. shes much more outward too.

my friend sarah, ive known since i moved to this area when i was 7. and we have always been very different, and now more than ever. she was always kind of needy and bossy, and she always had to have attention. i watched her go through these phases, one year we didnt hang out at all, when she was trying to be popular with this really nasty bitch whos now this coke head stripper with a baby that told her that she liked me even though she made fun of me and wanted my number so we can hang out now?!? whatever, so now she also has a baby, and her whole life is even more different than mine now. she figures shes going to marry this guy, whos somewhat nice, but really seems like kind of a jerk and not worth marrying. he seems to me, to have no personality, and seems really selfish. its almost like hes another one of her phases that she without fail knowingly regrets and tells everyone that it was a stupid idea when they could have probably told her that to begin with. but its no use anyway. she always wants me to hang around more, but i have nothing to contribute to her life, and she has absolutely nothing to contribute to mine. and maybe i'm just a jerk, but I cant get excited about her baby or her future jerk husband.

so thats my rambling rant for now. have a nice day.

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