i've always felt like i was bigger than my average life, the shitty jobs i've held, I never take them seriously. I don't take much seriously and I don't do a whole lot to support this idea in my head that i'm better than all this. I've become that person that I hate. It's not really an attitude, just a feeling like not much botheres me or effects me and I don't seem to take things seriously that other people do. But I think its time I do something so I dont need the shitty jobs and to stay with my parents. And I still don't think college is for me. thats everyones instant answer.... because no one really knows anything else will deliver, or if that even will. I've also realized I've spent a lot of time not talking. like my whole life. Either just listening or avoiding. usually with what i think is good reason.

unfortunately, I am an american and of course that means I'm going to be unappreciative to some degree. I really don't have it that bad. at all, I was thinking about that on the way home tonight. I take advantage of a lot of things. but at the same time i keep having these dreams, like every night, about having my own place. and that seems to be plaugeing me. probably because I had an almost 2 year taste of not being here and now i'm back, and i've been back for almost a year. I need accomplishment to feel good I think, and I haven't always been this way. so thats good...

I kind of miss sarah... I think thats what made me start thinking about how i take advantage of things... but i dont know if i would have let my life get like that though. she has no freedom, no time, and shes now one of the most serious people i know. its a shame.

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