I feel strange and out of touch with everything and everyone. sometimes I feel so much gratitude for how things are and other times I just wonder what things could be like if I did this or that so i can stop just barely getting by all the time. I dont want to be stupid with money like my parents but apparently i cam cause I cant save money to save my life. I need change one day and I need for things to be just the way they are the next. I feel like I am just sort of watching myself from a distance with not much control over what I say or do anymore and it does help in some scenarios but its really bad in others. I listened to my gut, I fell in love.... and its amazing and scary cause I dont think I am ready. but i cant just call it off and reschedule like a doctors appointment. its probably an all or nothing deal and I shouldnt be complaining......... its just the last time I followed my gut I ended up insane. and I still am a little. and I hate it.

now who wants ice cream?

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