I stopped worrying about stupid crap. I know its something I've always said I was going to stop doing. recently I let a lot of worries go away, and they actually stayed away this time. I really don't care about money, I know I'll be ok and I will figure something out sometime. I've always just had this nervous feeling in my gut all the time with no reason for it. I didnt know it was there until I started to not feel it. though sometimes it comes back when I get really tired out or drunk. I've been less irritable... this is the first relationship in a very long time where I'm not convinced that the person is going to leave or it is going to end horribly and as painfully as possible. I laugh and smile a little more, i think. I feel better in general, its like waking up after a long sleep and sitting on the couch with yummy breakfast in pajamas and watching cartoons and remembering why its good to get enough sleep and how good cartoons are.

I keep having dreams about my friend that lives in vancouver that I've never met in person. It's so weird to know someone so well but to never have seen them moving around in front of you. a couple years ago we talked a lot. we talked less and less and then he emailed me and told me he might be moving away to ireland with his girlfriend. then Id email him every few months and get no response so i figured he had left and changed his email adress. randomly he emailed me last year when I was in syracuse and we started talking again all the time. I guess he didnt move, they just got an apartment together and she was really controlling and didnt want us talking. hes with someone else now thats a lot nicer luckily and I talk to him about once a month now. someday we will meet...

this year has went by really fast I think I can't believe its going to be over already. I'm making my 2004 mixtape again, I messed up the first time. its strange to look back, a lot of 2003 blended into 2004 it seems like for some reason, like I lumped it all together in my head, like it still sort of feels like the winter of 2002 was last year along with the winter of 2003 and I have no idea why. the fall/winter of 2002 was like the worst time of my life. I was in oneida and miserable and good at hiding it from everyone or so i thought. hey, even that whole summer before I spent indoors, sleeping, and avoiding everything and everyone. ah yes things are so good now indeed.

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