things've been strange. sometimes I forget who I am. theres this one part of my life, where something amazing and yet kind of terrible happened that I will never get over. its comforting in a way, to be reminded that yes indeed it did happen, and it wasnt this novel i read or something I made up in my head, because most of the time thats all it is to me. I know it did happen but i'm completely detached from it. but if i think on it too long the distant memory becomes not so distant and the pain even feels a little fresh, like it never left. thus, the reminder that it was indeed real, and of course, effected me and is to some degree part of who I am. and this is what we are all made up of, i think. not my specific experience, but everyone has thier own memories and experiences that have shaped how they act to some degree. theres no real answer to anything, theres no script, no guarentee, you cant force things to happen, yet you cant expect things to happen without trying... I'm being so vauge, I know.. I'm just sort of confused right now as to what I'm supposed to be doing. and everything feels out of order, and I'm always trying to do the correct thing rather than just trying things and risking failure. but I seriously just dont know. Ive never really quite felt like this before. my whole life I was never really pushed. when i was little i was never forced to do anything. no one hounded me to be responsible. no one encouraged me either. I was just expected to do at least minimally well. I didnt ever go to my parents about anything. I spent most of my childhood as a little adult, dealing with my own problems, hiding how I felt about things. my mom was very nosy but sercretively, she would, and probably still does, go through my things. rarely confront me on anything she found or suspected. I kept to myself. I had few friends, and was lonely most of the time. I really liked that they kept away. I felt smarter than them a lot of the time anyway and didnt think they would be of much help anyway. but the lack of any sort of structure to my life, ie not being told to do my homework, study, clean my room, not being stimulated with encouragement... i think, unfortunately started very bad habits from teh beginning. I dont ever go after anything. I just stand in one spot and observe, occasionaly drift. I realize I cant blame them for everything. but I see a connection. various experinces post childhood have led me not to trust others. I have moments where I feel more alone than ever. I took a dive from my standing spot. I moved out, to a different town. My aunt suggested I come out and work for her. she knew, or so she said, what I was going through, and knew I needed to get out of there. I had encouragement. it made me feel free, I had a job, I had a place to stay until I got off my feet. then once I got there I realized nobody really wanted to help me, and that I was completely alone. She hardly gave me any hours, so I had to find a new job after a couple of months. My bedroom at my grandpas became a 4 ft by 6 foot space in the living room of a nearly condemed shack that my grandpa bought, and he would often have people right outside the front door and I would ask them to leave but he would tell them to stay and I never got any sleep. my aunt took back her offer for me to stay with her. I was broke, in the middle of nowhere, and miserable. taking this leap, based on my extended family offering to help me ended up being a catastrophy, and it ruined my relationship at the time. the distance, my state of mind, and who knows what else. I clung to all I had, this relationship, which was the first time i had really felt i was completely in love with someone. and it went to shreds. I was a cashier. I often went to work in tears. the only place of recreation in the town was walmart. I had no friends there. I had a broken heart. I started to attend cosmotology school not too long before the breakup. shortly before the breakup my car also died causing me to miss a week of school, which was a big deal to the people at school as there was a lot of info given early on. I bought an overpriced beater car (the oldsmobile) off from my uncles dad, he said "I'm gonna miss that car." and it was ugly and old and the radiator was bad and his fat ass wore the driver seat down to nothing. and i could barely afford to make payments on it, but i was out of options. if i missed a payment i got a phonecall from my aunt telling me i was irresponsible, and that I made an agreement and it didnt matter that i didnt have the money and blah blah blah. at school I was often distracted and unfocused. I slept a lot, cried a lot, there was a day I was considering driving into a tree. I was spening all of summer indoors, not saying a word to anyone. and it just got worse and worse. That was the day I decided I needed help. I went to the hospital, malnourished, shaking, lost, completely hopeless feeling. always on the verge of tears. they told me they didnt have a department to put me in and gave me an adress to a place that could help. I was in no shape to go anywhere, and almost backed into a car on a 55 mph road because i was so out of it. I got a psychologist to see every week starting out. and a different lady to look at my file and put me on medicine. She asked a lot of questions about my parents and my childhood, about my past relationship. diagnosed me with depression. she told me she thought that Ive probably had it most of my life, a constant low level, with bouts of depression on top of it. so on the drugs I went, some of them made me sick, so i tried a few. then I only saw the therapist every 2 weeks. I wasnt ever happy, but I wasnt out of control upset anymore. I didnt ever tell her everything. I didnt feel comfortable ever. shortly after I moved in with a girl from school in syracuse. I was sure I could find a better job to afford rent and decided I couldnt handle it where I was anymore. I transferred stores, but found a better job a month later. this was my first break. I made friends. I did ok in school, I could afford to eat out some nights even. then, my roomate broke up with her boyfriend, and changed completely. she went from laid back, nice, fun, and kind of hippie-ish to militant, multiple personalities, bizzare, bitchy, spiteful, dramatic, god you name it, she was. she went from long wavy brown hair and plain to black hair and heavy makeup and skirts and lowcut clothes and was extreme in all situations. it drove me nuts. I made friends with a really girly girl. we hung out a lot at her house, and she seemed to really like having me around. I spent the night a lot, she would always joke about kicking her husband out and having me move in. he didnt even mind me there. it was really weird. then she slowly stopped calling, and then stopped returning my calls, and that was that. aquaintaces. and now I never hear from her. though I would hang out with her again in a heartbeat. lots of other various things happened. some flings, I got into a relationship with someone from home that I didnt know before I left. nothing too negative about that though. school was done, I moved out. I stopped medication partly because my insurance ran out and partly because I felt that it wasnt doing much. I know now that it helped me a lot. I'm still home, completely unmotivated again. not completely miserable like back then, but sometimes I wonder what things would be like if i hadn't left. would I have stayed in that relationship... it seemed so right back then. would i eventually feel like I wanted to drive into a tree still? maybe. its just so weird to me. so right now I feel like I left I went 2 steps behind, 3 steps ahead, and now taht i'm home, 2 steps behind again. theres these fun ideas, like taking pictures and sending them to modeling agencies. nothing concrete. I really am not made to work shit jobs for a living, my mind cant handle it. I really do get miserable. I need to acheive. and I need to do it soon. I dont think I have it in me to do hair either. I can see myself doing other services though, I just dont know if i will ever get it together. And i'm scared that I'm going to go back into that same need to do something different and ruin this relationship. I know I probably wont run off to another city, but I dont want to be in that same state where I'm a mess. I dont want it to effect me like it did. I need to avoid it at all costs. Ive always hated admitting that i need dependance due to how I was brought up, and how things that were offered to help were always taken away. but I think now more than ever I need encouragement and I need help. and I need to admit that instead of running towards something anything. once I figure out a path, I'm going to need someone to cheer me on. offer constructive criticism. suggest ideas. help me stay focused. this is much different than needing a place to live and work, this is truly what I need. I'm hoping for it to be someone with life experience. (which is not my parents) and someone that wont be judgemental or lecture me. but I need it to be clear that I need ongoing mental support for a period of time and not a one time sit down advice chat. I have a few canidates in mind... but I have no idea the path i want to take.

last * next