why does everything take me such an effort, my room is a disaster again. why cant i just be all about getting shit done, I want to be but its always too much of an effort. I piss myself off. I was combing out the set at the state board exam, first excersize, his hair was still fucking wet. I knew in the back of my mind I needed longer to dry it, but what did i do? give myself minimal time that I didnt even use all of! plus he had this awful buildup on his hair so it was all stringy and gross and impossible to backcomb, also should have forseen as I know he uses wax in his hair and probably does not use proffessional shampoo, or at least something clarifying. the comb out still somehow looked good minus his hair being wet, stringy, and having no backcombing in which i'm sure I lost a lot of points for. the buildup, and dryness of his hair made it nearly impossible to deal with the entire 4 hours. my fingerwaves, and perm rods were weak. I forgot to sweep up the hair, and forgot to use a towel under the cape until halfway through the last excersize. did I pass, I have no fucking idea. but i suppose I should keep practacing anyway and not just wait until I hear from them again because they like to only give you 2 weeks notice until the exam. lordy. I'm sure it will at least go much smoother next time if I have to do it again.
yesterday I realized my mom likes to subtley be a jerk. I get all my worst qualities from her. the depression, the laziness, the mean streak, but luckily not the stupidity. maybe a tad. ugh. she did one of those "I know you dont care, but I'm going to tell you about this anyway and wait until you are going out the door like I always do." and she literally said "I know you don't care." which is a great opener. makes me really want to open my ears. she gets into the strangest things, then she acts like theres merit to them and that she knows what shes talking about when she actually doesnt. she escapses in her own little world of whatever nerdy strange idea she has that year. it usually involves other people that are into the same thing, a club, where she can belong. so anyway, what she told me was she is officially a member of some local model airplane club, and that she is going to take classes to learn how to fly her $600 model plane that shes been showing off to everyone, including my friends that stopped by one day to see if I wanted to hang out. anyone that will listen. I wouldnt be so annoyed by it if she wasnt so stupid about it and maybe a little more modest because its really not all that impressive. I could think of a lot better things to spend that much money on, I dont need to feel like I belong. I guess its better than her taping thunderstorms outside on the deck, and then immediately watching them after and hearing her loudly exclaim WOWWWW and talk to herself on the tape the whole entire time. its just like the model plane thing. she doesnt know anything about weather, she just wants to be all about something desperately to fill whatever void. a few years ago she got addicted to this chatroom on aol, that was supposed to be about weather, but no one talked about it, just their personal lives. and theres this guy that she met on there, that still keeps in touch with her, calls our house and leaves lenghty friendly messages, and she avoids ever answering and just lets him talk. and they trade tapes in the mail. she doesnt want the friendship, just the recognition, the merit of belonging to the club. haha, or aol chat room rather. like I know it sounds bad to say this, but I honestly don't like her personality. shes miserable, and selfish. there are times where shes not selfish and shes actually pretty helpful, but i'm not sure where it comes from as she likes to compare herself to other people all the time and point out their faults and say "I dont do that, I do the opposite" she does that a lot with my dad and gives herself the best parent ever award. again, the merit, I'm the better person. she has to know I hate it when she talks like that cause I immediately change the subject, roll my eyes, or lose interest in what we were talking about and walk out of the room. its just gross.
so on a lighter note, I get along with these people a lot better when I dont live with them and theres a chance I'm moving out in august. much easier to deal with the stupidity from further away. also, she doesnt make any effort at all to keep in touch when I am away. just like she barely makes an effort to do anything parent like now and for the past 21 years of my life.
I'm not angry, just tired of it, I want to move forward with my life.