most people annoy me or make my head hurt from time to time. theres very few that don't. this makes me appear to be mean, grouchy, or withdrawn to others. even if i like the person/people sometimes its just grating to be around them for some reason. I wonder if I am like that to other people. I wouldn't doubt it. I really wish there was another way. I have my moments here and there of good tolerance. some days its more of a struggle than others. random thoughts.
I'm just about done being sick now. I feel dizzy and tired and out of it though. the dizzyness is weird, like i am on a boat almost. or that feeling after you are in the water for a while and it still feels like you are after you get out.
my parents are just plain stupid sometimes. they have this guy living here thats totally using them for all theyve got... they are back to their old buying crap they dont need habits.... my mom still acts like she wants to quit smoking but i know she never will. id be happy if shed quit smoking in the house. thats a major triumph in my book. lets start with that.
my brain the past couple days has been going a thousand different directions at once, like i couldnt sleep at all yesterday. it was terrible. I don't know whats happening in there. I've been having some really strange dreams too. I really hate when they are about the past. I'm sick of dwelling on any of it, I've made my peace with it. I remember feelings more than events. fear always manifests itself in my life somehow. especially anytime somethings really good. nothing too dramatic though anymore, I just have my moments.
I'm so dizzy and out if it.... time for sleep.
-----------------
these fears come rushing in when I enter here
another layer on my back
the blazing fire where our glances meet
the largest feeling towering over me
faces in disguise
not a trace of desire
I long to take you to a secret place
where we could lay aside our past
we'd throw the world away and all it's pain
to shine like stars through storms and clouds and rain
go face the day
go face the day and see new things
go face the day
but you'll remember me
I see a tear inside when you turned away
another wound that I'd take back
if I could fill your heat just once and then
I'd take you now where we could live again
-sunny day real estate
-----------------