tired.zombie like even. currently moving to a house. working. sleeping. bored-core. I feel like any solid thing I had going on is gone. I've started drawing some more. I've fallen out of contact with everyone it seems. everyones in their own world, myself included. the weathers been slimey feeling on my skin. almost makes me miss the snow. I havent been seeing jason as much, so I went over and saw him yesterday while he was supposed to be sleeping. our schedules dont line up at all. It was nice. And kind of strange. I dont want us to end up too distant. but for the first time ive felt a taste of it. and its just one more tiny thing that adds to the whole picture that is my life that seems a lot different than it used to. even though things are always constantly changing little by little I only seem to notice it every once in a while and it seems more dramatic of a change than it really has been. this is going to sound so typical but lately Ive actually had the "what am I supposed to be doing with myself?" thoughts. what is my purpose other than to consume? is that it? it cant be. Just another american with an opinion. do I effect anyones life at all? (I know I do, but its just one of those phases I guess) and the feeling distant doesnt help. I do feel pretty balanced though. I'm not by any means miserable. just a little weary and confused. we all get close to people and then grow apart again over and over and sometimes it makes me sick, the constant cycle, the obvious rise and decline. I like lasting steady things.

so anyway, this is really weird. if you know me you know that I have dreams every night that I remember really vividly. the past week or 2 I know that I've had really intense long dreams, more than complex than ever, and the strange thing is, I actually cant remember them. I know that they are in my memory, its like I dont have access to them. then throughout my day I get tiny glimpses and i'll want to remember more but i cant. is this what its like for most people? or do they just not remember them at all? I hate how chaotic they can be anyway. i'm thankful for my everyday life being so simple. another one of those typical thoughts, but I actually wonder if we dream of a more stable life with elements picked out of our "dreams" (Real life). Mulholland drive is a good movie to watch when you're in one of those moods.

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