well well well this has been the strangest past few weeks ever. there are some things i'm really not happy about, and some things that are really great. the party went pretty smoothly. I went out of town 4 hours after it ended and spent all day being asked the same annoying question because people arent creative enough to mix up the small talk. just happened to be the one question i get asked on a daily basis, the one I dont want to just chit chat about every day from start to finish. I was told by so many people in my family "your cousin would really like it if you came to her graduation party" and she didnt even say hi to me, and blew everyone off and left to go off with her friend. on top of that because i went I had to deal with my dad because of course somehow he knew I was in town and I should have expected it. hes the most grating person to deal with ever and he asked for my cell phone number like 4 times and I kept changing the subject. I guess youd have to know him to understand. he honestly does not feel like hes my dad, just some weird fat guy youd see at walmart and think was creepy. he only "raised" me until i was 6, and everytime ive had to deal with him since has been so annoying. maybe thats why i'm so weird and impatient with peoples bullshit. I spent my whole life avoiding it from my own family, and its just inescapeable. theres no real relationships, barely the basic structure, none of us like each other at all and under other circumstances we wouldnt probably hate each other, or never want to talk to each other but we do because we cant stray that need for that image of the ideal loving supporting family. we dont want to admit to ourselves that we are all alone, ant just in it for ourselves, that we dont know or like these people. driving home, I realized the whole day was an eqivilant of banging your head on the wall in the same spot over and over and over. it could be a lot worse I'm told. duh, thats how it goes for everything. this isnt a contest of who has it worse, thers no loser prizes, and if there was i wouldnt want one anyway.

I seriously would like to just move to the other side of the country and start over. its not "running", sometimes I just feel id be much happier someplace else, and less likely to get sucked back into the same bad habits and lifestyle. i feel held down by some unknown thing. theres so much neativity everywhere i go. I dont want to focus on it anymore. I dont want to be around people that focus on it. how am i supposed to move forward like this? I'm tired of people that contradict themselves and I'm turning into one of them every day. my environment is not stimulating. let me re state this one more time, I'm bored and sick of the way things are. I need a fresh start. i need to want to do something before i force myself to do it and end up hating it and hating myself for not following through. I feel like a part of me wants to bloom but cant and maybe never will unless i make a big change. I need to feel motivated, and honestly i dont think i ever truly have. my whole damn life. I want to be passionate about something, i want to feel good about myself. I'm going to save up some money and go on a trip by myself.

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