I dont even know where to begin. but the last straw oddly enough was this morning, trying to drive a car with no power steering, and being utterly sick of having something go wrong with my car every month AT LEAST for the last 4 years. and it just reminds me of all these other things that are irritating, that Ive just ignored and sucked up the past few years. one thing after another after another after another, and I'm not complianing to make myself out to be better than anyone, that doesnt make any sense at all anyway, does it?
anyway... I can finally say Ive given up on the oldsmobile. I'm not driving it anymore. I'm not spending any more money on it, which leaves me in a hole, because my credit is bad (for a whole other stupid annoying reason), and I dont have any money saved to just pay for a used car in full. have my parents co-sign for a loan? well my parents are "bankrupt" and they werent ever a source of money for anything my entire life anyway. in fact my childhood was spent mostly being picked on, because of, for example, shoes that i wore for years in a row that had sesame street characters on them way past the age i would be watching sesame street still. bad at home haircuts, stained clothes from phili sales and meanwhile they were spending their money on things they couldnt afford like big screen tv's and a jacuzzi so we couldnt have groceries either. and they are still doing crap like that, so whatever. thats how I grew up. it didnt make any sense... and it never will. and yes it did screw me up some. then there was my moms depression and inability to do anything but feel sorry for herself and not have a job for 10 years, and fill all our lungs with cigarette smoke, and my stepdad and her constantly arguing about money, and him being a passive agressive asshole and taking out his anger on inanimate objects, and counting down the days until i could get a job because in his eyes i was just another freerider. well now all of a sudden they are proud of me and say things like i must have done something right when they didnt do shit. I spent all those years thinking that I was smarter than them and realizing I could never rely on them for anything ever. my mom couldnt even help me with my homework. I spent so many years just tuning everything out, daydreaming, not caring about consequences of anything, dealing with anything that ever bothered me myself. so anyway I turned 15 and got my first job right in my stepdads store cleaning out rotten food from refridgerator boxes and breathing in industrial strength chemical fumes for minimal pay. then I worked in a restaurant and was exhausted at school. I turned 17 and bought my first car for $300 that was a deathtrap of sorts and I got to hear my mom complain on and on about how the people that did her brakework on her $43,000 van didnt do a good job and how it was a threat to her life. needless to say I was on the side of the road more than I was on it. my second car I only had to pay $500 of the $1,000 that it costed cause they must have vaugely felt kind of bad and sold enough refriderators that week.. I ended up with a just as bad car anyway and my paychecks went to fixing it. or "cobble jobs", I somehow drove it for about 2 years and didnt get killed. I still had it when I went nuts finally and moved to oneida under the impression that my aunt wanted to help me, which was a false idea in my head i guess. so i ended up living with my grandpa in , i'm not even kidding, a slum shithole on a $20 fold away bed, my clothes in trash bags, going to beauty school in syracuse. my car of course died, so i had to find another peice of shit, the olds, which costed $900, and turned out to be the same thing, which by now i expected anyway.
then there was hannah. and luckily by then I checked myself in to get on some medications because I really wasnt handling anything very well anymore. she seemed like a down to earth hippie-ish girl, who happened to live 5 minutes away from school and needed a roomate. she turned out to be a paranoid crazy person with a group mentality, and i wasnt down with her group so there was always conflict. even while splitting the rent i barely got by... working when i wasnt in school all day, and school, i thought at the time, was the worst idea ever. the place was chaotic and gross. hannah and her friends drove me nuts, sure it was better than where i was at in oneida and how i felt in my grandpas dump hole but it was so draining.
so goodbye gertrude... I think what I am getting at here is that I can not stand the thought of this happening again, with the car situation, and I dont like the idea of being in debt more than I already am either. and its annoying that i dont really have a choice. I realize things are not as bad as they seem, but I'm just so sick of feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. to have to try so hard for stupid simple things, is just so annoying. every day should not be a struggle, everything should not make me this irritable all the time. I'm so sick of it. I can't live like this anymore, taking it up the ass from big corporations... and yes I am a little jealous of the people that have it easier, people that didnt have to put up with the same shit I did on a day to day basis. and i'm just so tired... money, belongings, these things dont matter so why are they ruining my life? we are living in an economy that fuels itself on debt. breaks for people that already have money. higher interest and taxes for people that don't. suck it up because this is how things are. you will work for the rest of your life and learn to love it. blah blah blah....
most people in this country do not have healthcare, but billions of dollars are being spent on blowing up poor people in the dirt for no good reason. and if we stop spending all this money on this task people feel less safe? when all we are doing is pissing everyone off.... but we still have poland... "what about poland?"
whatever. congratulations you won. we are probably going to be rewarded with a lowering of a bar on the terrorism meter. fear is a wonderful tool. yeah yeah "kerry isnt much better" blah blah blah, bullshit, at least his main plans dont just so happen to make the country a giant target. how is it that this stuff gets ignored, we try and impeach a president for lying about oral sex but not for blowing people up and being a complete idiot and misleading everyone, and fucking everything up? and i'm sure hes never lied, ever.... wait, shhh... more magnetic ribbons! hooray! Ice cream!! freedom!
"get some rest, don't think about it, you'll feel better, everytings going to be ok... everything is going to be ok....